I spent the thirteen years of my life trying to adjust to the sadness that surrounded my life after my older brother committed suicide, only to have to start over again when my oldest brother passed away after being sick in 2012. While everyone around me dealt with their sadness by talking about it, by trying to move past it by letting it out, I shut myself off. The words 'I'm fine', and forced smiles became who I was, who I wanted people to see. Somewhere along the line they eventually became less forced and less fake, but I'm not quite sure when. I'm not sure I'll ever know.
A few years ago I decided to start writing. It was right after the death of my brother and I couldn't figure out how to shut my mind off, so I put it to use. Tiny bits and pieces of me went into each book that I published, but it wasn't until the last one that I decided to open up. I poured my heart and soul into that book. Not that I didn't the other ones, but this was all me. The few people the know about my past immediately picked up on how much of myself I let out while writing and I'd be lying if I said that knowing people had that part of me didn't scare me. Because it did. It still does. Every day I wake up petrified that someone is going to see through the facade that I put on and call me out on it. I'd also be lying if I said I'm fine, or that it helped, now that I opened up.
I'm fucking broken.
Writing about my feelings broke me beyond anything I ever could have imagined and if I could go back and change it, I would. Without a doubt. I would shove those feelings back inside and never let them see the light of day.
That's how I came to the lovely conclusion that talking about my feelings to heal is bullshit.
I've never been this sad. I never been depressed to the point that I can barely get off the couch, but that's where I'm at lately.
I have a feeling that this blog isn't going to help at all either, but who knows. Nothing can be worse than the way I feel now.
All I can do is take it one breath at a time and this right here is my first breath.
